By Jonathan B. Fox
"Supreme Commander"
The Comedy Underground

When my son, Shane, moved out last year, I looked around at the empty desks in the office and decided to pack it in and instead use his old bedroom for work.

Having to throw out enough memorabilia to start a comedy museum was a bit traumatic but compensated for by considerable savings on rent and utilities. The problem is I now find I can’t get anything done at home. I blame it all on “Law and Order.”
I’ve been a loyal viewer since the show debuted. I remember Michael Moriarty walking out of the role as Assistant District Attorney Ben Stone in a huff about artistic standards. That was in 1994.
I thought I’d seen most of the episodes but not on your life.
Nowadays, my wife, Anne, gets up early and has coffee ready by 7 a.m. for our initial morning viewing. After I stagger out of bed and go to the car to retrieve her daily pack of Camels, I join her on the couch.
In my mind, I’m thinking, “I’ve probably already seen what’s going to come on and if I have I’ll get an early start on making booking inquiries or answering my emails.”
The chances of that happening are about one in ten. Just how many episodes of this show have been made? We tried to do the math and it comes out to around 500 but something tells me the figure might be much higher.
And the thing of it is, the reruns continue all day long. At the top of every hour, I think, “This is going to be when I’m able to start work.” I wish.
My favorite character, of course, is Detective John Munch played by Richard Belzer what with he being a former comedian and all. I like his conspiracy theories, too.
Anne especially likes Detective Lennie Briscoe, played by the late Jerry Orbach who she refers to as “hound dog.” She was really quite upset when he passed away.
Anne says I remind her of Detective Robert Goren played by Vincent D’Onofrio. That rates as one of her typical backhanded compliments because he’s going downhill fast, appearance-wise.
I do like him more than those actors on the show who were previously on “Oz”. I just keep thinking of what diabolical bastards Christopher Meloni and J.K. Simmons used to be when they were in prison. I can’t accept them as “public servants” (words that George Carlin could have had a field day with).
As for Chris Noth, he was once quite appealing as Detective Mike Logan. But when he later portrayed the character, “Big,” being in love with that bow-legged Sara Jessica Parker on “Sex in the City,” I couldn’t take him anymore. And don’t get me started on Mariska Hargitay as Detective Oliva Benson. She reminds me of the girl who ran crying out of the high school gym when I rubbed my boner against her during a slow dance at the junior prom.
To me, Jeff Goldbaum’s character, Detective Zach Nichols, is the most interesting. I love the way he psycho analyzes suspects in between stepping outside to brilliantly play “Go” in Central Park, much to the amazement of New York’s Asian community.
“Let’s see,” he’ll say, “The mother abandoned the family so the child became daddy’s little girl. She joined him on hunting trips and learned how to dress out the deer he shot. That’s why she’s now stalking, killing and mutilating prostitutes with the help of her love slave boy friend no matter the alibi his buddies down at the fire station are giving him.”
Case solved and fuck you NRA and public employee unions to boot! With viewpoints like that, no wonder he had to leave the show.
Sitting there, enraptured but hating myself for procrastinating, I pray that an odd episode of “CSI’ or “NCIS” will air just so I can detach and get away. I’m up and running the moment David Caruso appears standing in his usual sideways pose saying something lame like, “If I find out you did this, I’m going to get you.”
The only thing worst than that are the comediennes they put on Comedy Central.